"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
"My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."